Releasing THIS

The air is crisp...biting my cheeks, turning my breath to a soft mist of white.  My eyes dance around the streets...lights twinkle as the sun hovers low in the sky at a young hour of the day.  I trip and trudge through the once powdery snow, now dense as the days pass, the sun warms and pollution eats away mixed with dirt and salt and no doubt the heat and struggle of my fighting heart.  As each year and each Christmas passes and my days on this earth count backwards...never adding...but running away from me, counting down as an hour glass, I can't help but reflect...and long for more for what time remains. 

The harsh cold of this world is reflected in the dropping mercury, deep freezing any warmth in this thrumming beat of the rhythm of life.  Somewhere in these dark streets, these dark days I can hear the voice of truth...whispering my name.  A still small voice.  As still and as small as the Christmas babe...asleep, lulled by the gentle heave of His mama's breath on a night as cold and as dark as this one.   Where, just like my story, nothing seemed certain...where everything seemed strange...where an inhabitant from the heavenly realm took up space and time in a dark and cold place.  But in that still and small space...a heavenly pocket of time...the ticking second hand seems to slow, my heart-hurt eases and I live in THIS very moment.  There is no worry, no ache or hurry in THIS...it's only when I step outside of right now that it's hard to track down hope, peace, joy, Emmanuel...God with us.  

Even Christ Himself became small...humble to take in and reflect the light of His Father. The rush and spin of this season...of this life...can make any light hard to absorb and peace hard to grasp.  But it's all my spirit really longs for....because it was created for more...more than ribbon tied packages or liquid-steamy sweetness...more than the familiar winter chorus' ringing through the streets...more than twinkling trees fragrant of pine...more than friendly company and mistletoe hung high.  These are the icing of life, meant to accent... enhance... compliment a solid foundation.  They can't be truly enjoyed...embraced...until a heart and spirit is fed with soul food...the Bread of Life (John 6:35)...the Light of the World (John 8:12)...found in a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes (Luke 2:12)...found in a blood stained splintered cross...found in the One who seeks your heart and meets you right where you are.  Even in the bitter cold and dark days...you can be filled with HOPE...with PEACE...with JOY...with CHRIST.  A gift that never fades...never goes out of style...never loses relevance...lasts forever.

Won't you invite Him to fill all the dark corners this Christmas?


Luke 2:8-14

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.  And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.  And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.  And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.  And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.



(see pictures at  http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037726300/   http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037726297/)

Releasing Mary's Story

Note from the author: This entry was written 14 years ago and was performed as a monologue.  As you read, hear the young voice of Mary as her story unfolds from a different perspective. 



Your life can change in an instant.  This age old truth has been impressed in my soul most recently.  Perhaps this revelation reveals my lack of experience...my ignorance and immaturity.  But my journey thus far has only been a brief one, and my first life altering moments are only beginning to occur.

For a long time I believed my life was pretty insignificant.  I have loved and served God all of my life, but as a young woman of humble status what was there that I could possibly offer the world?  I was preparing for marriage, like most girls my age, and I longed to serve the Lord with my husband for many years to come.  We hoped to live a blessed yet simple life together...but I learned quickly that the word simple was not a part of God's vocabulary.

It was a night like any other.  I went to bed with only thoughts for the coming day of the same work, and the same life to be awaiting me the next morning.  It still feels like a dream.  When I awoke that night the most magnificent angel was in my midst...heaven touching earth...standing in my room...speaking to me!  My breath escaped my body leaving me speechless and trembling.   And then he spoke words I will never forget...that I was favoured by God.  I still can't fathom what that means.  He declared You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus.  He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High.  I knew this moment would change all that I held dear.  My plans...my life...and everything in it.  I had so much to ponder...the weight of this responsibility...being unmarried and pregnant.  The stigma and condemnation for a situation that didn't fit with my community...my culture.  There were many other women I knew and had seen that were so much stronger and smarter than I was.  Perhaps God had made a mistake.  But I trusted Him and knew that mistakes were not a part of His character.  In that time I knew there was nothing for me to do but pray and press deeper into my faith than ever before.  This is where I found deep peace in God...a strong connection to my Lord...and much comfort, generously poured out - preparing me for the months and years that were to come.

During that time, Joseph and I were pledged to be married and a new law had been passed that a trip to Bethlehem would be necessary to have us registered.  It was a rough trip in my condition but we had to press on.  I anticipated the length of this trip before we left...that days would turn to nights, many times over... and I would not be having this baby at home.  I trusted God had something better in store for his child...I just had to obey.

Well, the long awaited night came, and not only was I far from my home and the people I loved, but this baby was coming and NO ONE could spare a room...offer shelter...grant us with what I assumed would be provided.  I knew we just had to keep looking for the perfect spot that a Father who had provided thus far would lead us to.  As we went from place to place and found no vacancies we kept the faith that the next place would be the one...the perfect location that God had in His plan.  Then the time came where I knew the searching would have to come to an end...it was time!   A kind stable keeper saw my condition and offered me shelter in his stable.  We were truly grateful after our luck that night, but I still could not get my head around this...I felt so forgotten about, so unimportant.  Was this really what God had planned?  Didn't He know it was time for His son to be born?  Where was He in my time of need?  Where was the favour I lacked to give my son the royal welcome he deserved.  I knew my choices had run out so I did what had to be done...Jesus, the Son of God...was born in a stable.

When my son had come and I had caught my breath for a second, I looked around the barn and noticed all of the animals were quiet...and still.  A breeze came through the stable door and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort in my surroundings.  This baby was very special and the animals seemed to sense who was amongst them. When I look into this child's face, I can't help but wonder what his future will hold.  When I think about it, I realize how God's timing and His plan is not the way I would have pictured it...certainly not what I expected.  But God doesn't ask what perfection looks like to me.

In the last few days I have found strength and wisdom on a level that I have never possessed before.  We have been graced by visitors... individuals who claim to have seen choirs of angels who were rejoicing because of what has happened in this small rugged barn.  In my moments of feeling helpless and almost abandoned, God and His angels were rejoicing over us.  God's plan had come to be even if it looked like a manger... and smelled like oxen... and felt like hay.

When I look at myself and who I was and where I lived, and STILL what God chose to do through me, I truly believe that each life He has created is so very deliberate and uniquely planned out.  The purpose a humble life can serve to further His kingdom can break through barriers no man can stand up to.  His purposes are immense, His favour is abundant and His pleasure WILL be accomplished.

Now that I hold new life in my arms I am struck with this wonderful miracle.  I kept my eyes on my Maker and He touched my life with His mighty hand.  I continue to offer Him this humble gift of my small life and I wonder what more is to come...but this journey is not my own.

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037690548/)

Releasing the Truth on Freedom...just for you!

I'm branded with His promise...in my heart...but also on my skin. 

Every time my eye catches a glimpse of it I am reminded of the buried past, the forgiven sin, the invitation of a homecoming that is all sweet without a hint of bitter.  An invitation to walk forward into a future that has always been mine to take.  He waited patiently for me.  He loved me through it all.  He breathed new life into these dry bones.  He gave me a second chance...a new life.  I found a new song...I found freedom...I found Jesus.

So what does a life of freedom really look like? 





My Friend:

have you ever walked in the valley and made it out without ever being kissed by darkness?

have you ever been graced with knowing your true identity...to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, who you are and what your worth is.

have you ever felt free to step out of the restrictions that this world creates for you...and to know that you are enough just as you are.

have you ever been overwhelmed by peace and joy and love?

have you ever been adopted into a family of royalty?

have you ever known the truth that NOTHING (not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins, nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing) could separate you from the love of the One who seeks you... pursues you... loves you! NOTHING

have you ever found your every need met exactly when you needed it?

have you ever found true and pure acceptance for being yourself?

have you ever found true forgiveness when you didn't deserve it?

have you ever had someone die for you...so you didn't have to...so you could be free?

Freedom is knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that ALL of these are for you...and freedom is tapping into them, living life consumed not only by a life of goodness, but a life kissed by a  supernatural strength and wisdom...to live as it was always intended.  Freedom to know the love of Christ and to claim it as your own!


So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.  

Romans 8:31-39

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037666504/)

Releasing Strength

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. ~Philippians 4:13 NKJV

I can accomplish a full and productive day ... through Christ who strengthens me

I can have faith when it's hard to believe ... through Christ who strengthens me

I can live a life free from addiction, weariness, depression ... through Christ who strengthens me

I can stop gossiping and speaking words of negativity ... through Christ who strengthens me

I can speak boldly, the words of truth ... through Christ who strengthens me

I can have a heart for those in need ... through Christ who strengthens me

I can love my enemies ... through Christ who strengthens me

I can overcome this difficult time ... through Christ who strengthens me

I can heal this tarnished and broken relationship ... through Christ who strengthens me

I can find acceptance in who I am as a child of God ... through Christ who strengthens me

I can live life to its fullest ... through Christ who strengthens me

I can live life abundant ... through Christ who strengthens me

I can accomplish the impossible ... through Christ who strengthens me

When I am weakest, I can find supernatural strength because it's CHRIST who strengthens me! (2 Corinthians 12:10)

Do you need strength for today?  As a child of God you can declare Philippians 4:13 as your own.  Ask him for whatever you need strength to face today and you shall receive (Matthew 7:7&8).  Fill in the blank and declare the promise for yourself today:

I can _________ ... through Christ who strengthens me

Releasing Inspiration for the Uninspired

Are you feeling uninspired today?  Like your brain just closed the shutters and decided to have a little siesta.  Where there was once an overflow of creativity and momentum, now it seems to lie blank...unstirred.  

I'm here to tell you...don't fear.  This is your day of rest.  Even God needed a day of rest after a mighty outpouring of creativity that brought the Earth into being...you were made in his image so what makes you think this wasn't for you too?  It's good to say yes to this...as he prepares you for what's next.  It could be something huge...or a time to change gears completely.  If you are ready to move forward, spend some time right now, in this moment being present where you are...take in your surroundings...be grateful.  Hear your heart again...be sure you're listening to that still small voice inside of you.  And most times in order to hear it, you have to be still and small too...maybe even humbled.

Give yourself permission to rest.  You were not created to operate at high levels of intensity all the time.  Give the creative reserve some time to fill itself again.  Your gifting won't leave you...sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037617146/)

Releasing a Change

What do you do when you need a complete change...a turn around for the things you hope for?  You know you can't force it...it's not in your power to do so...and even if it were how quickly might it fall apart if done without the natural flow and rhythm of life...and the blessing of your Creator?  But just the same, if something doesn't give soon you're not sure what you'll do.

It's a tough place to be.  It feels like the universe is continually insulting you in your vulnerable state.  It feels like the successes of everyone else reflects some sort of a failure in you.  You try desperately to hold it together on the outside but it's all crumbling on the inside.  Your health emotionally is now affecting your health physically...it's all connected...and you're longing to connect with the person you lost long ago. 

I know where you're at.  It's mucky and foggy. Your energy feels depleted and your eyes grow heavy as your spirit sinks deep into this place of believing you'll never be filled with enough to sustain.  You might never find peace again...and you wonder, is it possible to shift your thinking and live like nothing is a mistake and that the trials of today are the stepping stones for tomorrow's achievements....tomorrow's graces that will be lavishly bestowed upon you.  To recognize that everything in life is a gift...not one moment that passes is a mistake and to walk away from a circumstance with life still intact is a miracle.  And if you begin to change your vocabulary, purposefully, to words of love and life...you speak life instead of curses even in the valley of the shadow of death,  I guarantee you your spirit-man will rise again...will spring to life regardless of the things you can't control.  

When your mouth overflows with life your heart will follow suit.

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037565924/)

Releasing Proverbs 3:5

The pain from plans failed.  I really thought I had calculated meticulously...but when I look back now I can't help but wonder if my head was really on straight.  I've messed this up bad and have nothing to show for what I thought was good.  On the surface level, I can confidently say, I am a mess.  I try not to be, but it's in my DNA.  My bloodline is proof of this...and it all began back in the Garden...where perfection was attainable until we asked too many questions, got too offended, and made one too many bad choices.  As heavy as this blame and this marred life lies upon my shoulders, my bloodline has been redeemed from the past failures...and so has yours.  But just the same, I have to surrender my best laid plans for something completely out of my control.

My errors come from making plans, setting my own drum beat, desperately trying to attain a life that was never meant to be mine....it doesn't work!  When I'm finally fed up...and I finally shut up, that's when this beautiful, miraculous thing can begin to take shape... because His purpose is what will prevail (Proverbs 19:21).  All my good intentions, my good qualities and good fortune account for nothing when, at the end of the day, He is in control of my every breath, my every moment, my everything.  I may have the choice to flit and fly where I like, but wasting time doing my own thing is a waste of sweat, and tears and heartbreak. And many times, that is what I have been left with at the end of the day.

 

So instead, I become Proverbs 3:5 and use my energy for that which will last....take the risk and give up my plans for something that will fill me up and is fail proof.  Trust Him with ALL my heart...even when I don't understand...even if I seem to have a better way...even if the oceans rage and I'm taken under by the tow.  I know that I will rise above it as He lifts me to His heights...to His way...to His plan.  

Into His Glorious Right...out of my desperately wrong.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.  - Proverbs 3:5-6

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. - Proverbs 19:20-21

(see pictures at  http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037509571/   http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037509351/)

Releasing Another Dream

I had a dream of the front door of heaven.  A vision of the miraculous...the gateway into a new life where your weaknesses are made whole and all pleas cried out on this earth and questions that gnaw are all answered in their entirety.  

I saw a homecoming...of broken souls reunited to their fullness...to their true identity and character...to Christ.





The masses stood in a crowd while one by one each were called out and brought forward...a moment of attention brought to each life...one at a time.  I braced myself as I waited for the mallet to drop and the deeds done to pay their price.   But the judgment I waited for...each sin and weakness to be revealed...was not disclosed in the way I expected.    Instead I found deep in my spirit that for each life I somehow already knew what that soul had endured in their lifetime...that I was connected and tuned-in in some supernatural way...and the revelation and compassion that flowed from my heart came from the One Crowned with jewels and beauty before us.  My heart and all the others around me were connected to the Royal Facilitator of this ceremony... connected by a beam of light flowing from His Heart.  He stepped off his throne and came toward the single life before Him.  The soft smile He wore never escaped his face....especially as He removed His royal cape and cloaked the chosen one in front of Him...it gave Him such joy to do this as His love gesture.  The touch of His hand on a weather-beaten forehead gave off great light as he spoke out truth and identity...fullness restored...all shame and regret burned up by a fire of acceptance and wholeness.  

I bear no recollection of hearing judgment pass from His lips for the life passed, but He gave truth and words to build up...to assist in stepping into a new life....an everlasting meaning that made sense of  where each person had been and how with His royal command it was all changed...but not as in "completely different" ...because there was still beauty at the core of  each life...containing a unique finger print to their identity...but the parts that, at the time of leaving this life, were raw and worn clean through and marred by lies and daggers were made full and strong completing the identity puzzle...it all made sense.  

Every last moment of this life that ticked away with the second hand of the clock....millions of moments that made up life as we know it...but they were only the beginning, to form the complete fullness to be lived in the eternal.  Those of us that watched bore witness to this transformation and celebrated with overwhelming joy for a life restored and truth set free...as if the truth were our own.

One by one I saw the same display...the Royal One didn't seem interested in placing blame, but gave pieces of His royalty to each...acknowledged the life lived and passed, and provided the road-map for the life thereafter with clarity...with beauty.  With GRACE...His grace.

I saw you in my dream, my friend...and my heart beats with love...much like His... for your fragmented story.  Because I know, one day, He will bring you from pieces to completeness.

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037478102/)

Releasing Some Focus

I make this life as if I am at the center of it all...how I feel, what I do, what happens to ME.  It keeps me navel gazing, feeling sad and in pain from the arrows that pierce...annoyed with everyone because they can't seem to read my mind!  Allowing jealousy and anger to fester and grow because it's just not fair!  Allowing the spirit of laziness and comfort to infect and take over my spirit-man who holds life and passion and an ability to reach out and make a difference.  

Allow my boredom to lull my heart of fire and fervency to sleep...and when they are extinguished my vision becomes narrow...all I can see is my own reflection...all I can hear is my own selfishness begging for something to fill the void...ANYTHING.  

I turn to vices... momentary idols to soothe.

Darkness surrounds us...everywhere.  It's a part of life...it's a part of bearing flesh and bone.  Being influenced by the darkness is a human condition.  Any living thing can tell you that hanging out in the dark is fatal.  You can't grow or be nourished, you can't see and often times it's  isolating and lonely...leading to demise...but light and life come from a different place.  We may be influenced by darkness, but we don't have to be overcome by it... light can only be found in One place...A place where life is abundant, where  you can grow and stretch and find truth...where the impossible becomes possible, where disease is made well, where chains are broken and sadness can't rule a beautiful heart brimming with life any more.  Where darkness is pierced...by Light.

When I focus on the Prize, on the One who is saving me and who longs to bring me into the light...where burdens are lifted and failures are erased...where forgiveness wipes the slate clean no matter what the deed, no matter who you are or where you are...when I focus on this I find the distraction of things of this world shrink and begin to matter less...perspectives change...idols shrink...hearts open and the ME I strive to soothe becomes less offended.  It makes the darts easier to dodge... less painful to take when I focus on embracing healing, being saved, made better.  

There's a purpose in all of this.  A purpose to live for and it has nothing to do with the superficial, and everything to do with what He's planned and how He's gonna fulfill it.  And if you only believe one thing today, you NEED to know that if you're here, then without a shadow of a doubt there is plan with your name on it...to be fulfilled...Guaranteed!

But the superficial...how it looks and feels...can sometimes nag away.  But know that this life is not about that...it's in the FACE of that, that I find freedom and His plans unfold.  Regardless of my circumstances...my stiff joints, my graying hair and my worn out shoes... things are always easier to get through when you can focus on the outcome...the purpose at the end of it all.  A woman giving birth, an addict going through rehab, a patient booked for surgery...a Saviour heading for the cross.  When you can visualize the purpose and the glorious ending it makes the pain slightly more bearable, and the focus slightly less narrow.  And maybe you don't know exactly how things will unfold or what the final product will look like, but you do know the One who is taking you there is good and He's promised that he'll make all things good for those who love him (Romans 8:28)...and that's you. So focus on Him...focus on His goodness...and His perfect plan...He's the outcome in your life.

He's gonna break through the darkness that plagues you...whatever it might be...nothing is too big or too dark for Him.  But He wants you to rest in His ability...bask in His light...believe in His sovereignty...focus on the Great Physician and let him do the HEART surgery.

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037448132/)

Releasing the Innate

She was obviously pregnant...body swollen...slow staggered walk...sitting every chance she could get.  Very unlike most pigeons.  She perched herself in the middle of the walkway... making a statement of the state she was in.  

He kept coming over to her... checking...maybe concerned.  Was it time?  Either way he was protective.  Puffing his feathers - warding off any visitors...coming close to her body...helping her clean off her own feathers... nurturing... protecting... standing guard.

Truth be told, I am not a fan of pigeons...in fact they annoy me and gross me out (contrary to this beautiful picture I've posted)...maybe that's part of living in the city and sharing the concrete with these winged vermin.  But truly and honestly I felt a fondness watching these two creatures interact.  This innate exchange...both accomplishing their roles...watching out for the other.  Devotion...protection of the bond.

And so what do I do with the inconsistencies all around...have winged vermin really got it figured out better than us?  This is what I see...society-ridden with infidelity...secret affairs...broken relationships...broken hearts.  When did the confusion occur? When did it become okay to dishonour a covenant...your word...your wife...your husband?  Relationships are hard...they're work.   Anything worth having is.  It's easy to lose sight of this.

As much blood sweat and tears that you shed...relationships are equally as hard as they are wonderful.  To be cherished...worked on...worked in...fulfilling...give a part of yourself... receive in exchange. Men, women...husbands, wives...when it feels hard, that's when you cherish...love...honour...search with all your might for your innate ability. In doing so you will feed not only the one you pledged yourself to, but your own soul with the light and love you've shed. It will be reflected back at you...and the reflection of light can be even more beautiful...more stunning...more intense than the light itself.  Light refined...like the sun in a mirror.

And when all else fails think of the winged vermin...they stand as a reminder...of our innate ability to honour...to care for...to live out your role.  No one taught them...they just know. 

Stop coming into agreement with the relationship destroyer...the ultimate home wrecker... the father of lies...the evil one. 

If it feels hard...press in...don't throw your hands up. You're stronger than this...stronger than you think. If it feels hard, turn to the One who can shed the light you lack...the One who's never given up on you...is true to His covenant.  He will remind you of your innate abilities... and provide you with what you may be lacking.  

Nurture...protect...stand guard.  If you dig deep, you'll find at the core, it's innately in you.

~wanna read more?  try Ephesians 5:22-33

(see pictures at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037403085/ 
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037403088/)

Releasing the Depth of Insight

This love is in my heart...deep in the core of my being.  It's beautiful when I see it clearly...when for a moment I can grasp the amazement of Christ, and the ultimate gift and that I truly am a part of this royal lineage.  But emotions run high, and brokenness is my thorn and as quickly as I'm elevated to the heights of his grace and mercy,  gravity grabs hard and chokes, tosses me as the waves.

Regardless of my reoccurring uncertain state I can know He remains as always...stable...unchanging...never failing.  Along with my heart of flesh that sings and bubbles over in jubilation, this love must also abound in knowledge and depth of insight (Philippians 1:9).  Where is my grounding force and my light when the night is black as ink?  I can't JUST be hooked on a feeling...as beautiful and soul stirring as it may be.  Mixing the properties of knowledge and insight to the vulnerability of this honey dipped heart I bear makes this love 4 dimensional.  Takes me to a level where Holy Spirit, Father God and Sweet Jesus press me from all sides molding me and moving me into the true revelation of my being...that I am flesh but not just bone, spirit but not just mystical, emotion but not just impressionable.  That I am exactly what He's made me because it brought Him delight.  That I am not a mistake, and despite my best efforts and catastrophic failures He knows my whole story...beginning to end...before any of these moments were ever breathed into life.

I can't possibly understand all that He's doing but I can remain solid on His foundation by being overcome by His relentless love paired with the knowledge of his promises, His character and His good gifts...the meat of his Word to fill me deep within.  


To dive deeper into this nourishment while pressing in to His thick fragrant presence....to ENCOUNTER the One True God is where your belief can rise beyond your momentary bliss.  Where you can praise His name in the height of abundance AND in the lions den.  Where regardless of my outward condition I can know that His life everlasting is bubbling and brimming inside this broken vessel because the depth of my insight is reaching deeper than the depth of the ocean floor.  Where the peace which passes all understanding becomes mine to claim because I truly KNOW where my worth and my identity sit...and NOTHING can change that.  When I open myself up to His still small voice leading me into his throne room, that's where heaven reaches to the depths of my world and moves me to the heights of His revelation.



(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037385958/)

Releasing the Shopaholic

I'm restless...maybe bored. Searching for something to fill the pit of want.  I dash from place to place...wildly looking.  I'm unaware that this is becoming my idol.  Instead of resting in the place that he's asked me to, I'm trying to fill the void with shopping therapy. 

 

I touch the clothes...the fibers.  They aren't mine but I will pretend for a moment.  I feel happy in this change-room bliss, filling my mind with the possibilities of something new.  Like the things I have are no longer the treasures they once were.  But I do this every week...every few days.  I promised myself to keep my money where it is and to keep my focus on Him and to stop looking outside of what I have for happiness and worth.  But some days it's hard. Discouraged I exit the automatic doors and sit on the bench that greets me outside.  I'm exhausted...from this searching...coming up empty handed.

I like pretty things...things that make me colourful or soft or a newer version of myself.  But it's an illusion...every moment reveals a new me, right where I am with just what I have.  

Want not...I say to myself.  Love what you have...your life, your dwelling, your closet...just as it is. Maybe the void that needs to be filled is the one that is stuffed packed with my own greed...to empty it out and start fresh...a different concept for something new.  To look beyond myself and give.  See the needs beyond the change-room doors...to see all the beautiful things I own and give a part of it away...to make it more beautiful...to share a part of  me with the world.  

I am more than the colour and texture I wear on my back...I am more than the label tucked in at my neck...I am hands and words and a soul that could help to fill the void of another...just by giving a part of myself away.

I look at my reflection in the store window...I am enough, I whisper.  I have all I need today.  I sit, right here and now, in His presence like He's asked me to...because there I find my worth and I am filled.

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037358963/)

Releasing Expectations

The weight of expectation unfulfilled.  My heart bleeds and turns stone cold with resentment because you didn't come through. 

My cheeks burn red as something inside feels wounded...offended.  My eyes dart wildly to blame the culprit...point my finger and stamp my feet.  I search hard, and for a second I catch a glint from someones eye...I rush over to stare them in the face...to spread the guilt thick and tell them how heavy the disappointment presses...how deep the scars run.  How dare you inflict this pain!  I get closer and my eyes focus as I take a breath to place the blame...I see a familiar face...a reflection.  It's me.

The sticky web of expectation...of placing a need of my own in another...I get stuck in my own head, my own selfish-want and need and wounds of the past driving my expectations of today.  I'm not always aware, but I'm desperately trying to control my world and everyone in it.  My inner dialogue is fear based and only harms a party-of-one when my offences rise up and my ego convinces me this life revolves around MY need.

Working out bumps and bruises, we are all stumbling through this life.  When I hold expectation in another I am distorting the reality of our finite and marred condition.  How can any other human being heal me or save me or fill some void that lays desperately hollow...because this burning offence and deep hurt stems from a need being left unmet. I haven't been able to fill it myself and so maybe someone else can...someone I love, someone I trust...but someone who's imperfect, just like...well...ME.  We are in this whole messy life together as comrades, but certainly not as heroes or saviours.  Putting anyone on a pedestal...any pedestal... will certainly cause gravity to work against them.  

It goes without saying that kindness and love should be the gift we bring to our fellow-man, simply because we share this time and this earth together.  But if you find your teeth clenched and your back up and your soul bruised because you EXPECTED, remember that searching in hollow and empty places will leave you hollow and empty.

Lay down the offence...perhaps I have been wronged...ripped off...but it's only because I started it!    Allowing offences to fester and disappointment to rule my space harms only me and leaves little room for the need to ever be adequately filled.  

Forgiveness clears the mess and lets light flood the hollowness...lets the real Hero be the hero and the real Saviour save me from myself.

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037320433/)

Exposing the Darkness

It's a dark cancer of the soul...it starts out microscopic, inconspicuous, and goes easily undetected until it has infected all that which is healthy and beautiful.  It's a murderer...a destroyer.  It chokes life...my life sometimes.  Crushes my inner-man...my fragile and sensitive soul...attacks the unique and beautiful character that my Maker has created in me.    Makes eyes heavy and joints ache...heart burns and head foggy...everything spins.  This dark cancer squeezes tears from it's pit of regret and sorrow.  Reminds me with a screech of rage that I'm not enough and poisons the powerhouse to the soul...sends me whirling and spinning in my head so I don't know which direction is up and I'm so disoriented I can't find the truth.

I am familiar with this enemy...this cowardly demon looking to devour my heart of flesh...pray on a soft and beautiful heart because it never had one.  Leaving it raw and exposed, poisoned with lies.  I rush to cover it...protect it...hide it...isolate it so it can't be hurt again.  Perhaps good intentions, but isolation doesn't breathe life into the soul desperately gasping for air.  If I expose this demon of the dark to the light by naming it...describing it, then it shrinks under the power of TRUTH and I can RELEASE it.

Speak your truth out loud into the light allowing healing to begin.

John 1:15 - The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

John 8:12 - When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037309313/)

Releasing the Past - Part II (for Sweet 17)

I'm walking down the halls of my past.  

They're empty...dimly lit.

I can hear the faint squeak of my shoes on the floor.  

I smell stale bologna in the air, see crumpled papers on the floor, 

empty candy wrappers... remnants of students...but they've all left.

It's been 14 years since I've darkened those halls 

but they haven't changed one bit.

I walk slowly, carefully, with precision, as I make my way past each door...each locker...each corridor.  Taking in this moment and feeling the familiar heartbeat of Sweet 17...I remember.  I pay tribute to my Sweet 17 of the past...and remember her today for you, Sweet 17 of the present.  I reach out and grab your hand...hold it with love and understanding...because I know where you are, thanks to the girl I used to be.  I squeeze your hand and lean in, whispering...don't worry, this will all turn out just fine.

As we walk the halls, each room we pass flashes scenes of my memories before us...my sweet 17 heart to yours.  Grades and part-time jobs, peer pressure and low self-esteem...hormones, depression.  The laughter and the tears.  The heart pounding crushes and the gut wrenching break ups.  Secret stories of the unspeakable...I bore them as an ally...teenage pregnancy, abortions, eating disorders. We all thought we were the only ones with darkness breathing down our necks...but we weren't alone.  Friends, acquaintances and even those I never knew.  I remember many faces, and many souls...some who never met us at the end...who left us too soon and broke our hearts.   It was a life I longed to escape...but I became the warrior and survivor of today because of it.  I bear faint battle wounds that tell my story.  You will too...but you WILL make it...and you will be grateful for your sweet 17 of today.

Sweet 17, if you only remember one thing through it all...if you hang on to one truth for today and your many days to come...know that Sweet Jesus wants to envelope you in his love and compassion...right in your sweet 17...right where you're at...today.  He calls you...welcomes you home with arms stretched open and a heart beating warm and love poured out...FOR YOU.  No matter what.

Be kind to yourself.  There are enough bullies and enough know-it-alls that want to keep you in fear...but it's because they are afraid too. 

I am not afraid, Sweet 17.  I know you are strong...I know you are brave.  I know you belong to Sweet Jesus.  No matter where your road winds, He will follow you...catch you...carry you...understand you...grow you...save you...love you into the sweet years ahead.  

He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8)...the grace that saved my sweet 17 will also save yours. Because Jesus embraced me, welcomed me home, resurrecting me from the not-so-sweet 17...I am whole...light...free!

(see pictures at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037272040/ http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037272044/)

Releasing the Past

A blast from the past...a reunion of sorts...

we were all in one room together again and I was transported back in time.  

Memories I didn't know were there began surfacing.  In the moment it was manageable, but a day later the memories were still flooding mixed with strong feelings of the past...they were so real I could smell them, taste them.  They weren't lovely though...like sucking on a penny...metallic, bitter...I kept swallowing this taste, this sorrow, until the tears welled and spilled.  

It took me a bit to understand why this liquid emotion was pouring out...sometimes I'm still not totally sure, but I think I found myself grieving...for the past.  Clearly not living in the present moment, the only place where I can find life and joy and the truth, but living out the past memories, insecurities, sadness...and there was so much of that back then.  I lived a roller-coaster of emotion before I knew better...before I fought the good fight and found meaning...and myself. Before I really KNEW that I was a new creation and his mercies are new for today...and it was mine to take and drink...and now I'm back in the seemingly merciless past peering into the darkness and feeling triggered and afraid.  This was not the intention of this reunion, but here I am.

The smell of fear is potent and it chokes me...when I think back to that teenage girl, lost, confused, deep in self loathing and feeling less than.  I grieve for her lost days of sorrow...her wasted energy and tears and caring too much about what everyone else thought...and assuming it was always the worst.  But maybe, just maybe this girl suffered so that I could be free today.  She lived and learned and struggled so today I live having learned where peace comes from and how to rest in knowing no matter what, I am loved and enough.  I'm not saying that she couldn't have grabbed on to this truth ...the truth has always remained the same, through time...but I will say that I truly GOT it and understood it for today because of what she didn't understand and had to learn...to survive.  She was my teacher...a pioneer...a trailblazer to my present day self.  She helped me to move forward.

Living peering in the rear-view mirror of my life is not where I find my portion and my peace for TODAY. Remembering is one thing, but being transported in time, triggered and trapped and grieving for what could have been is not what that teenage girl suffered for...it's not how I honour her...and it's certainly not what my Saviour intended when he said I have been set free INDEED.  Not sort of...or for a  little while but INDEED, meaning right now and forevermore...no more regrets...no more living in a time that has gone. That chapter has closed.  

I have grieved for the broken bird of the past... 

she needed to be freed... 

for her wings to be stretched and for healing to begin.  

I have dreamed about her, and I honour her.  

By His grace, she finds mercy and strength for today...

and because of His promises I have helped her to fly high...

to soar into her destiny and true identity...

set her free...INDEED.

John 8:36 - So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

Isaiah 40:31 - but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Lamentations 3:22-24 - Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

(see pictures at  http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037253277/   http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037253278/ http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037253281/)

Releasing a Gift

The gift has been sent...signed, sealed delivered.  

But I never open it...cut the ribbon, remove the lid, pull the gift out 

and use it like it was intended.  

Free-will and choice...delivered right to my doorstep.  And yet I live ruled by this world and controlled by everything in it.  Like a victim instead of a slave freed from the shackles.  You've opened the cell door and said, run...go!  And yet I shake my hand and my head...no, no...I'll stay right here. 

Pain and trials...sufficiency or sentence?  How am I playing this out...believing this out...breathing this out?  Like a broken little bird...stunned at every sting.  Cowering and licking my wounds.  Shaking my fist at a God who can't possibly be good if this is my story.   

I anxiously pray my way through life begging for no splinters, no bumps, no disappointments or inconveniences. Requesting no character-building, soul-strengthening life experiences to touch my path...then maybe I don't have to reach out for help. And if I don't need help then hopefully I don't have to offer help.  Because it's much less disruptive hanging out over here clinging to my insipid life and moldy possessions all on my own.

I need a reassessment...a second glance at all of this.  You've freely given and I live trying to pay the price...of something that's FREE. I wanna make a new choice.  I choose to carry your light yoke...trade in my 3 ton load.  Live life...and life to it's fullest.  

Every moment of every day is a choice...life or death.  It's not easy when all I've known is the confines of a prison cell....when every time I take a step in my own strength, mistaking it for your freedom I'm smacked down by the anxiety of a world that's big and scary and heavy.  

Fall back into my arms...you say.  You don't have to carry the weight of the world...the weight of your burdensome thoughts.  Release your breath and your weight and fall back into my arms. This is the freedom I offer...the judgments and burdens of this world are not yours to claim anymore.  Live through my glorious filter...be free to lay it all at my feet...you can run faster and jump higher when the weights are gone and you are FREE.

As I walk today I do just that...for every piercing fear or fiery rage of the beast I bare, I breathe out the toxins and picture myself falling into your strong, capable, arms....collapse under your love.  I whisper under my breath...fall into your arms, instructing myself...reminding myself. I don't have to control all of this...in fact any time I've tried it has caused nothing but scars and callouses hardening my spirit and cutting the flesh of those around me.  My wild beast inside can rest...it is time to lay her down to sleep, and pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Her anger and venom stems from her exhaustion... she's running on empty.  Putting a beast to sleep, that wants to devour you, takes more than human strength.  Takes more than a strong will or a controlled character.  On my own, I lose, and the beast eats me whole...over and over...regurgitating my bashed and mangled heart. But when I fall into his arms the shield is thick and venom proof...and he lulls the beast to sleep and keeps her locked away in the prison I've just escaped.

The gift is freedom and it's time to open the lid...release it because that's what it's for...walk in it because I can...because I'm invited...because you emptied my weighted hands and said run!  And when I dodge bullets and trip over potholes and my own two feet, I can fall into your arms and you set me free again...because who the son sets free is free indeed! (John 8:36)

(See picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037241337/)