Releasing the Past

A blast from the past...a reunion of sorts...

we were all in one room together again and I was transported back in time.  

Memories I didn't know were there began surfacing.  In the moment it was manageable, but a day later the memories were still flooding mixed with strong feelings of the past...they were so real I could smell them, taste them.  They weren't lovely though...like sucking on a penny...metallic, bitter...I kept swallowing this taste, this sorrow, until the tears welled and spilled.  

It took me a bit to understand why this liquid emotion was pouring out...sometimes I'm still not totally sure, but I think I found myself grieving...for the past.  Clearly not living in the present moment, the only place where I can find life and joy and the truth, but living out the past memories, insecurities, sadness...and there was so much of that back then.  I lived a roller-coaster of emotion before I knew better...before I fought the good fight and found meaning...and myself. Before I really KNEW that I was a new creation and his mercies are new for today...and it was mine to take and drink...and now I'm back in the seemingly merciless past peering into the darkness and feeling triggered and afraid.  This was not the intention of this reunion, but here I am.

The smell of fear is potent and it chokes me...when I think back to that teenage girl, lost, confused, deep in self loathing and feeling less than.  I grieve for her lost days of sorrow...her wasted energy and tears and caring too much about what everyone else thought...and assuming it was always the worst.  But maybe, just maybe this girl suffered so that I could be free today.  She lived and learned and struggled so today I live having learned where peace comes from and how to rest in knowing no matter what, I am loved and enough.  I'm not saying that she couldn't have grabbed on to this truth ...the truth has always remained the same, through time...but I will say that I truly GOT it and understood it for today because of what she didn't understand and had to learn...to survive.  She was my teacher...a pioneer...a trailblazer to my present day self.  She helped me to move forward.

Living peering in the rear-view mirror of my life is not where I find my portion and my peace for TODAY. Remembering is one thing, but being transported in time, triggered and trapped and grieving for what could have been is not what that teenage girl suffered for...it's not how I honour her...and it's certainly not what my Saviour intended when he said I have been set free INDEED.  Not sort of...or for a  little while but INDEED, meaning right now and forevermore...no more regrets...no more living in a time that has gone. That chapter has closed.  

I have grieved for the broken bird of the past... 

she needed to be freed... 

for her wings to be stretched and for healing to begin.  

I have dreamed about her, and I honour her.  

By His grace, she finds mercy and strength for today...

and because of His promises I have helped her to fly high...

to soar into her destiny and true identity...

set her free...INDEED.

John 8:36 - So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

Isaiah 40:31 - but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Lamentations 3:22-24 - Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

(see pictures at  http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037253277/   http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037253278/ http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037253281/)