Releasing the Depth of Insight

This love is in my heart...deep in the core of my being.  It's beautiful when I see it clearly...when for a moment I can grasp the amazement of Christ, and the ultimate gift and that I truly am a part of this royal lineage.  But emotions run high, and brokenness is my thorn and as quickly as I'm elevated to the heights of his grace and mercy,  gravity grabs hard and chokes, tosses me as the waves.

Regardless of my reoccurring uncertain state I can know He remains as always...stable...unchanging...never failing.  Along with my heart of flesh that sings and bubbles over in jubilation, this love must also abound in knowledge and depth of insight (Philippians 1:9).  Where is my grounding force and my light when the night is black as ink?  I can't JUST be hooked on a feeling...as beautiful and soul stirring as it may be.  Mixing the properties of knowledge and insight to the vulnerability of this honey dipped heart I bear makes this love 4 dimensional.  Takes me to a level where Holy Spirit, Father God and Sweet Jesus press me from all sides molding me and moving me into the true revelation of my being...that I am flesh but not just bone, spirit but not just mystical, emotion but not just impressionable.  That I am exactly what He's made me because it brought Him delight.  That I am not a mistake, and despite my best efforts and catastrophic failures He knows my whole story...beginning to end...before any of these moments were ever breathed into life.

I can't possibly understand all that He's doing but I can remain solid on His foundation by being overcome by His relentless love paired with the knowledge of his promises, His character and His good gifts...the meat of his Word to fill me deep within.  


To dive deeper into this nourishment while pressing in to His thick fragrant presence....to ENCOUNTER the One True God is where your belief can rise beyond your momentary bliss.  Where you can praise His name in the height of abundance AND in the lions den.  Where regardless of my outward condition I can know that His life everlasting is bubbling and brimming inside this broken vessel because the depth of my insight is reaching deeper than the depth of the ocean floor.  Where the peace which passes all understanding becomes mine to claim because I truly KNOW where my worth and my identity sit...and NOTHING can change that.  When I open myself up to His still small voice leading me into his throne room, that's where heaven reaches to the depths of my world and moves me to the heights of His revelation.



(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037385958/)

Releasing the Shopaholic

I'm restless...maybe bored. Searching for something to fill the pit of want.  I dash from place to place...wildly looking.  I'm unaware that this is becoming my idol.  Instead of resting in the place that he's asked me to, I'm trying to fill the void with shopping therapy. 

 

I touch the clothes...the fibers.  They aren't mine but I will pretend for a moment.  I feel happy in this change-room bliss, filling my mind with the possibilities of something new.  Like the things I have are no longer the treasures they once were.  But I do this every week...every few days.  I promised myself to keep my money where it is and to keep my focus on Him and to stop looking outside of what I have for happiness and worth.  But some days it's hard. Discouraged I exit the automatic doors and sit on the bench that greets me outside.  I'm exhausted...from this searching...coming up empty handed.

I like pretty things...things that make me colourful or soft or a newer version of myself.  But it's an illusion...every moment reveals a new me, right where I am with just what I have.  

Want not...I say to myself.  Love what you have...your life, your dwelling, your closet...just as it is. Maybe the void that needs to be filled is the one that is stuffed packed with my own greed...to empty it out and start fresh...a different concept for something new.  To look beyond myself and give.  See the needs beyond the change-room doors...to see all the beautiful things I own and give a part of it away...to make it more beautiful...to share a part of  me with the world.  

I am more than the colour and texture I wear on my back...I am more than the label tucked in at my neck...I am hands and words and a soul that could help to fill the void of another...just by giving a part of myself away.

I look at my reflection in the store window...I am enough, I whisper.  I have all I need today.  I sit, right here and now, in His presence like He's asked me to...because there I find my worth and I am filled.

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037358963/)

Releasing Expectations

The weight of expectation unfulfilled.  My heart bleeds and turns stone cold with resentment because you didn't come through. 

My cheeks burn red as something inside feels wounded...offended.  My eyes dart wildly to blame the culprit...point my finger and stamp my feet.  I search hard, and for a second I catch a glint from someones eye...I rush over to stare them in the face...to spread the guilt thick and tell them how heavy the disappointment presses...how deep the scars run.  How dare you inflict this pain!  I get closer and my eyes focus as I take a breath to place the blame...I see a familiar face...a reflection.  It's me.

The sticky web of expectation...of placing a need of my own in another...I get stuck in my own head, my own selfish-want and need and wounds of the past driving my expectations of today.  I'm not always aware, but I'm desperately trying to control my world and everyone in it.  My inner dialogue is fear based and only harms a party-of-one when my offences rise up and my ego convinces me this life revolves around MY need.

Working out bumps and bruises, we are all stumbling through this life.  When I hold expectation in another I am distorting the reality of our finite and marred condition.  How can any other human being heal me or save me or fill some void that lays desperately hollow...because this burning offence and deep hurt stems from a need being left unmet. I haven't been able to fill it myself and so maybe someone else can...someone I love, someone I trust...but someone who's imperfect, just like...well...ME.  We are in this whole messy life together as comrades, but certainly not as heroes or saviours.  Putting anyone on a pedestal...any pedestal... will certainly cause gravity to work against them.  

It goes without saying that kindness and love should be the gift we bring to our fellow-man, simply because we share this time and this earth together.  But if you find your teeth clenched and your back up and your soul bruised because you EXPECTED, remember that searching in hollow and empty places will leave you hollow and empty.

Lay down the offence...perhaps I have been wronged...ripped off...but it's only because I started it!    Allowing offences to fester and disappointment to rule my space harms only me and leaves little room for the need to ever be adequately filled.  

Forgiveness clears the mess and lets light flood the hollowness...lets the real Hero be the hero and the real Saviour save me from myself.

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037320433/)

Exposing the Darkness

It's a dark cancer of the soul...it starts out microscopic, inconspicuous, and goes easily undetected until it has infected all that which is healthy and beautiful.  It's a murderer...a destroyer.  It chokes life...my life sometimes.  Crushes my inner-man...my fragile and sensitive soul...attacks the unique and beautiful character that my Maker has created in me.    Makes eyes heavy and joints ache...heart burns and head foggy...everything spins.  This dark cancer squeezes tears from it's pit of regret and sorrow.  Reminds me with a screech of rage that I'm not enough and poisons the powerhouse to the soul...sends me whirling and spinning in my head so I don't know which direction is up and I'm so disoriented I can't find the truth.

I am familiar with this enemy...this cowardly demon looking to devour my heart of flesh...pray on a soft and beautiful heart because it never had one.  Leaving it raw and exposed, poisoned with lies.  I rush to cover it...protect it...hide it...isolate it so it can't be hurt again.  Perhaps good intentions, but isolation doesn't breathe life into the soul desperately gasping for air.  If I expose this demon of the dark to the light by naming it...describing it, then it shrinks under the power of TRUTH and I can RELEASE it.

Speak your truth out loud into the light allowing healing to begin.

John 1:15 - The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

John 8:12 - When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037309313/)

Releasing the Past - Part II (for Sweet 17)

I'm walking down the halls of my past.  

They're empty...dimly lit.

I can hear the faint squeak of my shoes on the floor.  

I smell stale bologna in the air, see crumpled papers on the floor, 

empty candy wrappers... remnants of students...but they've all left.

It's been 14 years since I've darkened those halls 

but they haven't changed one bit.

I walk slowly, carefully, with precision, as I make my way past each door...each locker...each corridor.  Taking in this moment and feeling the familiar heartbeat of Sweet 17...I remember.  I pay tribute to my Sweet 17 of the past...and remember her today for you, Sweet 17 of the present.  I reach out and grab your hand...hold it with love and understanding...because I know where you are, thanks to the girl I used to be.  I squeeze your hand and lean in, whispering...don't worry, this will all turn out just fine.

As we walk the halls, each room we pass flashes scenes of my memories before us...my sweet 17 heart to yours.  Grades and part-time jobs, peer pressure and low self-esteem...hormones, depression.  The laughter and the tears.  The heart pounding crushes and the gut wrenching break ups.  Secret stories of the unspeakable...I bore them as an ally...teenage pregnancy, abortions, eating disorders. We all thought we were the only ones with darkness breathing down our necks...but we weren't alone.  Friends, acquaintances and even those I never knew.  I remember many faces, and many souls...some who never met us at the end...who left us too soon and broke our hearts.   It was a life I longed to escape...but I became the warrior and survivor of today because of it.  I bear faint battle wounds that tell my story.  You will too...but you WILL make it...and you will be grateful for your sweet 17 of today.

Sweet 17, if you only remember one thing through it all...if you hang on to one truth for today and your many days to come...know that Sweet Jesus wants to envelope you in his love and compassion...right in your sweet 17...right where you're at...today.  He calls you...welcomes you home with arms stretched open and a heart beating warm and love poured out...FOR YOU.  No matter what.

Be kind to yourself.  There are enough bullies and enough know-it-alls that want to keep you in fear...but it's because they are afraid too. 

I am not afraid, Sweet 17.  I know you are strong...I know you are brave.  I know you belong to Sweet Jesus.  No matter where your road winds, He will follow you...catch you...carry you...understand you...grow you...save you...love you into the sweet years ahead.  

He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8)...the grace that saved my sweet 17 will also save yours. Because Jesus embraced me, welcomed me home, resurrecting me from the not-so-sweet 17...I am whole...light...free!

(see pictures at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037272040/ http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037272044/)

Releasing the Past

A blast from the past...a reunion of sorts...

we were all in one room together again and I was transported back in time.  

Memories I didn't know were there began surfacing.  In the moment it was manageable, but a day later the memories were still flooding mixed with strong feelings of the past...they were so real I could smell them, taste them.  They weren't lovely though...like sucking on a penny...metallic, bitter...I kept swallowing this taste, this sorrow, until the tears welled and spilled.  

It took me a bit to understand why this liquid emotion was pouring out...sometimes I'm still not totally sure, but I think I found myself grieving...for the past.  Clearly not living in the present moment, the only place where I can find life and joy and the truth, but living out the past memories, insecurities, sadness...and there was so much of that back then.  I lived a roller-coaster of emotion before I knew better...before I fought the good fight and found meaning...and myself. Before I really KNEW that I was a new creation and his mercies are new for today...and it was mine to take and drink...and now I'm back in the seemingly merciless past peering into the darkness and feeling triggered and afraid.  This was not the intention of this reunion, but here I am.

The smell of fear is potent and it chokes me...when I think back to that teenage girl, lost, confused, deep in self loathing and feeling less than.  I grieve for her lost days of sorrow...her wasted energy and tears and caring too much about what everyone else thought...and assuming it was always the worst.  But maybe, just maybe this girl suffered so that I could be free today.  She lived and learned and struggled so today I live having learned where peace comes from and how to rest in knowing no matter what, I am loved and enough.  I'm not saying that she couldn't have grabbed on to this truth ...the truth has always remained the same, through time...but I will say that I truly GOT it and understood it for today because of what she didn't understand and had to learn...to survive.  She was my teacher...a pioneer...a trailblazer to my present day self.  She helped me to move forward.

Living peering in the rear-view mirror of my life is not where I find my portion and my peace for TODAY. Remembering is one thing, but being transported in time, triggered and trapped and grieving for what could have been is not what that teenage girl suffered for...it's not how I honour her...and it's certainly not what my Saviour intended when he said I have been set free INDEED.  Not sort of...or for a  little while but INDEED, meaning right now and forevermore...no more regrets...no more living in a time that has gone. That chapter has closed.  

I have grieved for the broken bird of the past... 

she needed to be freed... 

for her wings to be stretched and for healing to begin.  

I have dreamed about her, and I honour her.  

By His grace, she finds mercy and strength for today...

and because of His promises I have helped her to fly high...

to soar into her destiny and true identity...

set her free...INDEED.

John 8:36 - So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

Isaiah 40:31 - but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Lamentations 3:22-24 - Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

(see pictures at  http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037253277/   http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037253278/ http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037253281/)

Releasing a Gift

The gift has been sent...signed, sealed delivered.  

But I never open it...cut the ribbon, remove the lid, pull the gift out 

and use it like it was intended.  

Free-will and choice...delivered right to my doorstep.  And yet I live ruled by this world and controlled by everything in it.  Like a victim instead of a slave freed from the shackles.  You've opened the cell door and said, run...go!  And yet I shake my hand and my head...no, no...I'll stay right here. 

Pain and trials...sufficiency or sentence?  How am I playing this out...believing this out...breathing this out?  Like a broken little bird...stunned at every sting.  Cowering and licking my wounds.  Shaking my fist at a God who can't possibly be good if this is my story.   

I anxiously pray my way through life begging for no splinters, no bumps, no disappointments or inconveniences. Requesting no character-building, soul-strengthening life experiences to touch my path...then maybe I don't have to reach out for help. And if I don't need help then hopefully I don't have to offer help.  Because it's much less disruptive hanging out over here clinging to my insipid life and moldy possessions all on my own.

I need a reassessment...a second glance at all of this.  You've freely given and I live trying to pay the price...of something that's FREE. I wanna make a new choice.  I choose to carry your light yoke...trade in my 3 ton load.  Live life...and life to it's fullest.  

Every moment of every day is a choice...life or death.  It's not easy when all I've known is the confines of a prison cell....when every time I take a step in my own strength, mistaking it for your freedom I'm smacked down by the anxiety of a world that's big and scary and heavy.  

Fall back into my arms...you say.  You don't have to carry the weight of the world...the weight of your burdensome thoughts.  Release your breath and your weight and fall back into my arms. This is the freedom I offer...the judgments and burdens of this world are not yours to claim anymore.  Live through my glorious filter...be free to lay it all at my feet...you can run faster and jump higher when the weights are gone and you are FREE.

As I walk today I do just that...for every piercing fear or fiery rage of the beast I bare, I breathe out the toxins and picture myself falling into your strong, capable, arms....collapse under your love.  I whisper under my breath...fall into your arms, instructing myself...reminding myself. I don't have to control all of this...in fact any time I've tried it has caused nothing but scars and callouses hardening my spirit and cutting the flesh of those around me.  My wild beast inside can rest...it is time to lay her down to sleep, and pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Her anger and venom stems from her exhaustion... she's running on empty.  Putting a beast to sleep, that wants to devour you, takes more than human strength.  Takes more than a strong will or a controlled character.  On my own, I lose, and the beast eats me whole...over and over...regurgitating my bashed and mangled heart. But when I fall into his arms the shield is thick and venom proof...and he lulls the beast to sleep and keeps her locked away in the prison I've just escaped.

The gift is freedom and it's time to open the lid...release it because that's what it's for...walk in it because I can...because I'm invited...because you emptied my weighted hands and said run!  And when I dodge bullets and trip over potholes and my own two feet, I can fall into your arms and you set me free again...because who the son sets free is free indeed! (John 8:36)

(See picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037241337/)