Releasing the Past - Part II (for Sweet 17)

I'm walking down the halls of my past.  

They're empty...dimly lit.

I can hear the faint squeak of my shoes on the floor.  

I smell stale bologna in the air, see crumpled papers on the floor, 

empty candy wrappers... remnants of students...but they've all left.

It's been 14 years since I've darkened those halls 

but they haven't changed one bit.

I walk slowly, carefully, with precision, as I make my way past each door...each locker...each corridor.  Taking in this moment and feeling the familiar heartbeat of Sweet 17...I remember.  I pay tribute to my Sweet 17 of the past...and remember her today for you, Sweet 17 of the present.  I reach out and grab your hand...hold it with love and understanding...because I know where you are, thanks to the girl I used to be.  I squeeze your hand and lean in, whispering...don't worry, this will all turn out just fine.

As we walk the halls, each room we pass flashes scenes of my memories before us...my sweet 17 heart to yours.  Grades and part-time jobs, peer pressure and low self-esteem...hormones, depression.  The laughter and the tears.  The heart pounding crushes and the gut wrenching break ups.  Secret stories of the unspeakable...I bore them as an ally...teenage pregnancy, abortions, eating disorders. We all thought we were the only ones with darkness breathing down our necks...but we weren't alone.  Friends, acquaintances and even those I never knew.  I remember many faces, and many souls...some who never met us at the end...who left us too soon and broke our hearts.   It was a life I longed to escape...but I became the warrior and survivor of today because of it.  I bear faint battle wounds that tell my story.  You will too...but you WILL make it...and you will be grateful for your sweet 17 of today.

Sweet 17, if you only remember one thing through it all...if you hang on to one truth for today and your many days to come...know that Sweet Jesus wants to envelope you in his love and compassion...right in your sweet 17...right where you're at...today.  He calls you...welcomes you home with arms stretched open and a heart beating warm and love poured out...FOR YOU.  No matter what.

Be kind to yourself.  There are enough bullies and enough know-it-alls that want to keep you in fear...but it's because they are afraid too. 

I am not afraid, Sweet 17.  I know you are strong...I know you are brave.  I know you belong to Sweet Jesus.  No matter where your road winds, He will follow you...catch you...carry you...understand you...grow you...save you...love you into the sweet years ahead.  

He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8)...the grace that saved my sweet 17 will also save yours. Because Jesus embraced me, welcomed me home, resurrecting me from the not-so-sweet 17...I am whole...light...free!

(see pictures at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037272040/ http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037272044/)

Releasing the Past

A blast from the past...a reunion of sorts...

we were all in one room together again and I was transported back in time.  

Memories I didn't know were there began surfacing.  In the moment it was manageable, but a day later the memories were still flooding mixed with strong feelings of the past...they were so real I could smell them, taste them.  They weren't lovely though...like sucking on a penny...metallic, bitter...I kept swallowing this taste, this sorrow, until the tears welled and spilled.  

It took me a bit to understand why this liquid emotion was pouring out...sometimes I'm still not totally sure, but I think I found myself grieving...for the past.  Clearly not living in the present moment, the only place where I can find life and joy and the truth, but living out the past memories, insecurities, sadness...and there was so much of that back then.  I lived a roller-coaster of emotion before I knew better...before I fought the good fight and found meaning...and myself. Before I really KNEW that I was a new creation and his mercies are new for today...and it was mine to take and drink...and now I'm back in the seemingly merciless past peering into the darkness and feeling triggered and afraid.  This was not the intention of this reunion, but here I am.

The smell of fear is potent and it chokes me...when I think back to that teenage girl, lost, confused, deep in self loathing and feeling less than.  I grieve for her lost days of sorrow...her wasted energy and tears and caring too much about what everyone else thought...and assuming it was always the worst.  But maybe, just maybe this girl suffered so that I could be free today.  She lived and learned and struggled so today I live having learned where peace comes from and how to rest in knowing no matter what, I am loved and enough.  I'm not saying that she couldn't have grabbed on to this truth ...the truth has always remained the same, through time...but I will say that I truly GOT it and understood it for today because of what she didn't understand and had to learn...to survive.  She was my teacher...a pioneer...a trailblazer to my present day self.  She helped me to move forward.

Living peering in the rear-view mirror of my life is not where I find my portion and my peace for TODAY. Remembering is one thing, but being transported in time, triggered and trapped and grieving for what could have been is not what that teenage girl suffered for...it's not how I honour her...and it's certainly not what my Saviour intended when he said I have been set free INDEED.  Not sort of...or for a  little while but INDEED, meaning right now and forevermore...no more regrets...no more living in a time that has gone. That chapter has closed.  

I have grieved for the broken bird of the past... 

she needed to be freed... 

for her wings to be stretched and for healing to begin.  

I have dreamed about her, and I honour her.  

By His grace, she finds mercy and strength for today...

and because of His promises I have helped her to fly high...

to soar into her destiny and true identity...

set her free...INDEED.

John 8:36 - So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

Isaiah 40:31 - but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Lamentations 3:22-24 - Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

(see pictures at  http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037253277/   http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037253278/ http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037253281/)

Releasing a Gift

The gift has been sent...signed, sealed delivered.  

But I never open it...cut the ribbon, remove the lid, pull the gift out 

and use it like it was intended.  

Free-will and choice...delivered right to my doorstep.  And yet I live ruled by this world and controlled by everything in it.  Like a victim instead of a slave freed from the shackles.  You've opened the cell door and said, run...go!  And yet I shake my hand and my head...no, no...I'll stay right here. 

Pain and trials...sufficiency or sentence?  How am I playing this out...believing this out...breathing this out?  Like a broken little bird...stunned at every sting.  Cowering and licking my wounds.  Shaking my fist at a God who can't possibly be good if this is my story.   

I anxiously pray my way through life begging for no splinters, no bumps, no disappointments or inconveniences. Requesting no character-building, soul-strengthening life experiences to touch my path...then maybe I don't have to reach out for help. And if I don't need help then hopefully I don't have to offer help.  Because it's much less disruptive hanging out over here clinging to my insipid life and moldy possessions all on my own.

I need a reassessment...a second glance at all of this.  You've freely given and I live trying to pay the price...of something that's FREE. I wanna make a new choice.  I choose to carry your light yoke...trade in my 3 ton load.  Live life...and life to it's fullest.  

Every moment of every day is a choice...life or death.  It's not easy when all I've known is the confines of a prison cell....when every time I take a step in my own strength, mistaking it for your freedom I'm smacked down by the anxiety of a world that's big and scary and heavy.  

Fall back into my arms...you say.  You don't have to carry the weight of the world...the weight of your burdensome thoughts.  Release your breath and your weight and fall back into my arms. This is the freedom I offer...the judgments and burdens of this world are not yours to claim anymore.  Live through my glorious filter...be free to lay it all at my feet...you can run faster and jump higher when the weights are gone and you are FREE.

As I walk today I do just that...for every piercing fear or fiery rage of the beast I bare, I breathe out the toxins and picture myself falling into your strong, capable, arms....collapse under your love.  I whisper under my breath...fall into your arms, instructing myself...reminding myself. I don't have to control all of this...in fact any time I've tried it has caused nothing but scars and callouses hardening my spirit and cutting the flesh of those around me.  My wild beast inside can rest...it is time to lay her down to sleep, and pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Her anger and venom stems from her exhaustion... she's running on empty.  Putting a beast to sleep, that wants to devour you, takes more than human strength.  Takes more than a strong will or a controlled character.  On my own, I lose, and the beast eats me whole...over and over...regurgitating my bashed and mangled heart. But when I fall into his arms the shield is thick and venom proof...and he lulls the beast to sleep and keeps her locked away in the prison I've just escaped.

The gift is freedom and it's time to open the lid...release it because that's what it's for...walk in it because I can...because I'm invited...because you emptied my weighted hands and said run!  And when I dodge bullets and trip over potholes and my own two feet, I can fall into your arms and you set me free again...because who the son sets free is free indeed! (John 8:36)

(See picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037241337/)

Releasing the Crisis of Belief

Give up, give in...or look up and press in.

The crisis of belief...are you there?  Navigating through the difficult...the awkward...the slippery.

Even when you know God is good and his promises are always yes and he will turn all things for your good...the choice to just throw your hands up and walk away is your flesh's request because this doesn't feel good, God!

But maybe, just maybe in this unsettled state, you're in is the exact spot that your Maker wants you to be...poured out and empty...a dry and dusty vessel desperately needing to be filled.  When you are emptied out more of his purposes and HIS delights can be fulFILLED in you.  More of this grace and forgiveness, his peace and joy...because there is nothing to interfere in this perfectly spacious state.

But there is a choice to be made...it's the way this whole thing was designed...and maybe that's why this slippery life can get away from you sometimes.  When you don't know what else to do and you aren't feeling particularly intuitive about this fork in the road.  When you wonder if God really sees you or hears you...your patience is worn thin...and you're so done!

But you also know that giving up could mean letting go of receiving His fullness...His blessings and abundance...His favour....the purpose He has destined for you.  And to give up on these things seems far worse than any momentary discomfort or uncertainty.

Press in during this time...speak up...ask questions....be vulnerable even, so you can receive all you need.  Reach out...to others...who know this place and have been filled in their driest time.  Ask them to fill you with the one thing that has worked for many dry and dusty generations... prayer.  Filled by an interceding of your fellow comrades... pleading for the clouds to open and the Mighty One to come in power and fill this vessel with an outpouring that would stir and wake and bring to life that which feels sucked lifeless...an outpouring that will change everything. It's a precarious time...it's war...and if your comrades aren't carrying the wounded soldier to the infirmary, then who will?  Then the soldier may die, suffocated by the giving up and giving in of his flesh.

This dry vessel needs to look up and open wide...heavenward.  Just stay open and you will be filled as the cloud of blessing and favour, joy and peace and clarity... liquid life... spill out upon you and every crack is filled. 

The cloud is coming...just look up...know that if you are down to nothing, God is up to something!

Matthew 26:41 - Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.  The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

(see pictures at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037202458/

Releasing the Overflow

Items neat and tidy...in their place.  I clean crevasses out and purge the excess...ridding myself of clutter.  I neatly stack piles and scrub surfaces to sparkling...slacks freshly pressed and shirts neatly tucked.  My pulse beats with a fighting rhythm if the wind blows and shuffles things...intertwines hairs and waters my eyes.

But this is not the holiest of places....there's more joy to be had beyond this meticulous world I've constructed... a place where my knees buckle and the wind howls a love song so intoxicating I let go and let everything fly and spin.  

His love is ferocious....like a turbine that envelopes me in a wild dance, sucking me under with grace and healing and this unruly forgiveness that he can't help but pour out...and this holy liquid love gushes and fills this vessel until overflowing.  No space left for milk or cream or anything else to be added, only filled by him...and it runs everywhere and all my best efforts to keep it contained are in vain.   

This extravagance, this overflow, this mess of too much upon much more, this abundant outpouring goes against everything I hold so tightly to most days....but when I am enveloped and sucked under and overflowing with this revelation of his goodness and glory, his kindness and unbelievable love I give up and lean in to this unknown, and then I, myself begin to release this ferocious love all around me...by the grace of this amazing overflow... I can't help myself...I am never in want.  This cannot be contained in neatly stacked piles and I couldn't possibly focus long enough to scrub and press and purge.  

A child being wildly swung around in her daddy's strong yet tender arms, giggling with no reservation...you want everyone to get entangled in this crazy thing you could never fully describe.

This extravagance is for you... let go long enough and trust the free-fall into his glorious overflow.

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037184448/)

Releasing #3

Numbers mean something to me...I feel like God gives me messages through them.  I'm not a mathematician, in fact I typically add by using my fingers and use calculators for anything more difficult.  I barely squeezed a pass out of grade 13 Calculus and that was with extra help every morning before class.  But just the same, numbers speak to me.

This year God has been showing me the number 3.  I turned 33 on 03/13/13.  I keep seeing 3's wherever I go...the time, prices, addresses, phone numbers.  I don't always know what the numbers mean, but it makes me pay attention and feel like I'm a part of some secret operation.  Things have been happening this year...I'm growing...doors are opening.  But it's not all easy.  Growing, stretching, molding all go together and inevitably pain can accompany these.

I was thinking today, why 3 God?  What's the significance?  He brought to mind where 3 is placed in sequence...it's not first and it's not second.  It's close but still far away.  It takes patience to get to 3...if you give up because it's not the first two numbers you see then you'll miss out...you have to push through to get there...but not so much that it's impossible.  

Three is inconspicuous...and we all know that God loves the inconspicuous.  A servant girl to bear the immaculate conception, a stutterer to lead God's chosen to the promised land, a carpenter to save the world from death.  So even little inconspicuous me can be used by the almighty God!  

Three also requires you to take steps to get to it...you can't just jump to the number 3 without effort....you have to go through number 1 and 2...experience what each number holds preparing you, segueing you into the number 3.  

So what is this saying?  Be patient...don't give up...humble yourself cause he loves the inconspicuous...enjoy the journey - it is preparing you for what lies ahead...for your next destination.  I may not know where he's taking me next but what I do know is
that right now and all that came before are relevant.  

I want to learn and grow and I lean on him to show me the path...lead me through the segue.

(see picture at http://www.pinterest.com/pin/98938523037164759/)


this is a real picture from my email inbox on July 16, 2013...it's a bit blurry but my inbox item number hit 3,333 when I turned it on first thing!  I had to take a picture...don't ignore any of the messages He gives you moment by moment!

Releasing Words

I didn't know the power of a word until it was spoken 

and something inside dropped dead.  

The poison spread and took root.  

A word was spoken, flippantly, innocently, carelessly as a joke of sorts and it changed my perspective... sometimes it lays dormant but like a chill it will creep and it haunts over and over. I remember... and the beast rises up and my ego chimes in with a harmony like the song is something to sing along to....but it's not.  And it kills a part of me every time the song is sung.  

I wonder if the forbidden fruit in paradise tasted like the thick sweetness of gossip or slander until the goupy paste began to choke and rot all that was innocent, and the knowledge gained changed everything.  Gave death instead of life.  It didn't matter how big the bite...the poison would remain just the same. I have placed my lips around the fruit of knowledge and hastily bit deep... thinking it was harmless.  Thinking it could feed something in me... and it did, but what it fed could have done without.  

To grow the beast, to water the tumour of regret and bitterness feeds the darkness...leaving no room for a heart of hope and love and joy.  After all, Jesus...light and life...cannot exist in the darkness, so when I invite evil to come and surround my thoughts and my words I am just as easily building walls around my soul keeping the light out.  

Slander brings death to the name of another...I never had the right...it was never my place even if I wasn't speaking the words...but I encouraged them and nursed them out. I'm not privy to what has been spoken...so why believe it, really.  Stretched truths and lies are made to make an interesting story...and when it enters the mind, the powerhouse of this temple, the story morphs and becomes more toxic as my mind dances and plays with the original words.  Stretching and twisting whatever it can.  Playing with fire...with darkness. 


The tree of knowledge bites back...I was warned.  There is the power of life and death in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21).  My words and yours.  I would rather the story of life to feed my soul.  Bring me your best words...not ones that are chewed and spit out hastily.  

Feed me with life, my friend, and I will set for you a table of truth and abundance where we can feast together.

(see picture at http://pinterest.com/pin/98938523037142491/)

Releasing Your Purpose (part II)

The seed has been planted...carefully watered and tended every day.  You keep coming back...with hopes to see life emerge. Spring up.  Give forth energy to live and grow and change.  Hoping for your inner man to come alongside and desire this purpose filled life your Life Giver and Creator has for you.  

You're waiting, and your praying and you're pacing the floor...you're so ready to move forward the souls of your feet begin to itch and burn with anticipation.  You keep your eyes peeled for that which is right in front of you...hoping to catch a glimpse of the purpose you so desperately desire.

It feels like everything may be aligning in some strange way...but you're not sure.

This buzzing and bubbling deep within needs some sort of force...something to activate it...like a word.  I'd like to water your seed for one moment, if I may.  With the same living water that activated the purpose I currently live under...that still sends hope and peace and joy coursing through my veins as I walk through every day awake for more....my next assignment. Where any discouragement I've come into agreement with is dissolved in an instant.  The father of lies hastily builds his foundations on sand, so when the mighty rush of the LIVING water...the living God...sweep through a soul being fed... hydrated... washed,all the lies, all the walls, all the blinders of the sand man get demolished...in Jesus name!  And His word is just that...living, breathing, mighty water...hear the rush...brace yourself...here it is:

LOVE GOD...LOVE OTHERS (Matthew 22:37-39)

If you need a minute, that's okay.  Catch your breath...chew on the words...digest them.   Allow it take root...in a new place...so the truth becomes new and the words take shape and you finally see your purpose right before your eyes.  We are all excitingly different, and uniquely creative...the way these words are played out, built up and accomplished is different for you... different for me.  But the common thread is the remaining and identical  foundation...tying us all together in some crazy wild amazing way.  The Rock of MY salvation is also yours.

Activation is powerful.  Momentum must be nurtured...but it's easy to nurture something that is changing your heart, renewing your mind and leading you into your purpose filled life.  Dig deep and see where your willing hands and his powerful truth meet...what that looks like...how it makes a difference...one life at a time.  

These words will change everything...if you let it. Activate!

(see picture at http://pinterest.com/pin/98938523037095639/)